Top five behaviours to avoid

Your unsolicited dance tips are even less welcome when they're accompanied by a big whiff of your dinner.

I think it is safe to say that most social tango dancers want to be in demand. We dance because we love to dance, but it does take two to tango, so we are generally happier when other people want to dance with us and we can thus have more dances. Even if we are the quality-over-quantity type, preferring to dance a few high-level, carefully selected tandas than to dance every single one with anyone and everyone, we feel best when we know the partners we do dance with have enjoyed themselves and are likely to come back for more.

Tango is a shared experience so it makes sense to care as much about the experience of the other as about our own. In short, we should want to be a pleasure to dance with.

There are specific things that make us enjoyable to tango with, making our partners return to us and maybe even spread the word: Solid lead-follow skills, a comfortable embrace, great musicality, nice posture, a sense of fun and an overall way of making our partners feel good about their dancing would top many a list.

And there are definitely specific things that can make us less enjoyable to dance with, things that go beyond our technique and vocabulary. As a teacher and an organizer, I get a lot of feedback from and about the dancers in my community, both positive and negative. In terms of negative feedback, the same complaints come back over and over again, session after session, milonga after milonga, year after year.

If we want to count ourselves among the pleasant, enjoyable, in-demand dancers, we should certainly continue to hone our dancing abilities but we might also want to avoid certain unpleasant and widely unappreciated behaviours.

Here are the top five behaviours dancers complain about (thus ones we all ought to avoid):

1. Teaching on the dance floor. Here it is again. It's the Number One complaint and my personal Number One pet peeve, yet it remains rampant. Believe me when I say the teachy partners in a community are notorious. Beginners may put up with this behaviour for a while, but nobody likes it and it will eventually make you the talk of the town and not in a good way. Have you ever said to someone during a tanda, "Can I offer you some tips/advice?" That is teaching on the dance floor. Do you often find yourself readjusting your partners' embraces during a dance? That is teaching on the dance floor. Do you stop to explain the move your partner didn't execute as planned? That is teaching on the dance floor. Do you find yourself saying to the teachers during class, "Can you explain to my partner how to improve his or her posture/embrace/technique?" That, too, is basically teaching on the dance floor in disguise. Have you ever had several couples pass you on the dance floor while you were stopped in conversation? Were you teaching? No? Good. But you shouldn't have been stopped in conversation either. Unless you are actually a tango teacher and are at that moment being paid to teach someone, just stop trying to fix everyone else's dancing and worry about your own. Even better, immerse yourself in the moment, listen to the music, accept the dancer in your arms as-is and save the conversation for when the music stops.

2. Unpleasant odours. This is an awkward one. It's hard to tell someone he or she has bad breath or smelly armpits. But it's also hard to dance with someone who has very bad breath or smelly armpits. And this is tied for first place among issues we as teachers get the most complaints about from students. No one wants to partner change to the guy breathing his morning and after-dinner breath combined into their faces, and everyone feels uncomfortable when it feels like they've just become the carrier of their previous partner's BO. Sure some tolerance is in order. Anyone can come to class one night after a long work day or a difficult-to-mask garlicky dinner, but I'm talking about the people with that perpetually stale smell emanating from their mouths/bodies/clothes. I know some people are more sensitive to smell than others and we don't always smell ourselves the way others might, but this is a close-contact-with-tons-of-different-people dance. In the hygiene and odour department we should all err on the side of caution.

There are three main hygiene/smell issues that come up, and some pretty easy solutions for all of them:

1. Breath. We all need to eat and can't necessarily brush our teeth every time we put food in our mouths. But brushing after meals and flossing every day go a long way toward keeping your breath bearable. Then, when you're going to be in close contact with people like you are in tango, have a supply of gum, mints or other breath fresheners handy. Also, do not mouth-breathe when dancing: Breathe through your nose. And finally, just in case, don't talk and dance. As previously stated, it's bad enough manners to share your unsolicited advice during a tanda, but if that advice is combined with a big whiff of your evening meal it's only that much worse. Keep your mouth closed while you dance and your partner will never know you had garlic bread with dinner.
2. Body odours. Dance for three hours in close contact with dozens or hundreds of other dancers and you will get hot and sweaty, guaranteed. And then you will share your hot sweatiness with other hot, sweaty people. So please shower before you go out and always wear freshly laundered clothes. Moisture brings out all sorts of buried aromas, so make sure whatever you're wearing smells good wet and dry. And wear deodorant. Good deodorant. Always. This being said, try not to over-compensate by overdosing on your favourite scent. Some people are sensitive or even allergic to perfume and we teachers get a lot of negative feedback about heavy-perfume wearers, too. (Also, please, please, please wash your hands after you go to the bathroom! I have witnessed not one but several milonga-goers – men and women – not doing this, which I find inconsiderate and outright gross.)
3. Sweat. As asserted above, you will no doubt sweat while you are dancing. If you sweat more than the average person, you can plan ahead and bring an extra supply of shirts to change into during the night. I know a few dancers who do this, and it is very much appreciated by their partners. If you run out of dry clothes, but you still really want a tanda with one of your favourite dancers, try offering the option of open embrace.

3. Rude invitations. There is good reason cabeceo has become king in recent years. The non-verbal mirada-cabeceo invitation method is a mutual-agreement system that evens the playing field. Like the dance itself, it's not always easy to learn and master this part of the game, but it really helps to avoid awkward situations. In my opinion it's still OK to ask verbally sometimes, like when you're already in conversation with someone or when you want to dance with a friend or regular partner who you know enjoys dancing with you. But inviting verbally puts the invitee on the spot, so if you are going to ask outright, you should be prepared to gracefully accept an outright refusal. Remember that the dance is about the enjoyment of both partners, not just yours, so it's just as important that your partner want to dance with you as vice versa. If you are going to walk over and ask verbally, choose a moment when the person at least looks like he or she wants to dance. Not, for example when he or she is in the middle of an intense tête-à-tête with someone else. Tango is very much about reading body language, so we should be in tune to each other's both on and off the dance floor. In any case, try to avoid what a colleague of mine once referred to as the "grabeceo," i.e. grabbing a dancer by the wrist or hand and just pulling her toward the dance floor. Also avoid inflicting "shotgun" tandas on people. You know, the ones where she just walks up to you and says, "You have to dance with me tonight." This is frequently done by intermediate-level dancers who always want to dance with much more advanced partners. Students do it to my male teaching colleagues quite a bit, and the guys really don't appreciate being put on the spot like that. If thy aren't in the mood for the dance it puts them in the position of being "nice" and dancing what is unfortunately known as a "pity tanda" or else feeling or appearing mean by refusing the person – who might very well resent them for it. It's a no-win situation that leads me to the next complaint on my list:

4. Rude refusals. Some people are new to the tango social scene. Some people are shy or socially awkward. Some people might be visiting from a community where mirada-cabeceo is not widely used. There are tons of reasons why you might get an invitation you didn't really want in a way you didn't really like. But there are ways to refuse a dance without being rude or mean or making the other party feel small or stupid. "Not right now, thank you," is kinder than a cold, flat-out "No," for instance. Or if you want to make the point that you strictly adhere to the cabeceo system, you can explain it: "I would be happy to dance with you a little later, so I'll look for your mirada/cabeceo in a couple of tandas." No one should feel obliged to dance with people they dislike dancing with, but there's no reason to be snobby, hurtful or mean when you turn someone down. People can get really crushed by cruel rejection and I've known more than one to go home in tears after a rude refusal or otherwise insensitive comment. There's always a way to be kind, even to those you perceive as unworthy of a dance with you.

5. Bad floor craft. There are dancers who outright bash into other couples without a second look; those who stay on the spot when the traffic ahead has advanced half a kilometre; those who manage not to actually have accidents but take up way, way, way more than their share of space on the floor; the lane-to-lane zigzaggers; the circus acrobats; the couple stuck in 2005's nuevo craze; the back-stepping addicts and, of course, the talkers and "advice" givers. I often think we should stop referring to tango as a couple dance and put much more emphasis on the fact it's a social dance. Learning to follow the ronda, stay in your lane and make decisions about what moves to execute based as much on what's happening around you as on the music or your in-the-moment whim are an integral part of tango. I think many teachers could emphasize these points much more, underlining their importance and making them part of the overall learning process. (It's like learning to drive; you need to learn to operate the vehicle, but it's equally important to know how to navigate in traffic and obey the rules of the road.) However, part of this boils down to individual personality. In our classes, my partner and I are forever reminding students to stay in their lane and not cut in front of each other, but there are always a couple of incessant speeders or zigzaggers who consistently ignore our instructions and cut around whoever is in front of them no matter how many times we tell them not to.

All this being said, people make mistakes. We need to accept and even embrace the fact that we are all human and therefore flawed. Sometimes an invitation will be awkward or a dance will be sweatier or chattier than we might like. If it's the exception and not the rule, try to move past it and don't be too harsh or judgemental.

But if you're not getting the dances you might like, look not only at your skills but also at your behaviour and even your hygiene. You will shine so much brighter as a dancer if you polish the whole package.

Related articles:
Codes of conduct to follow

Be kind

No teaching on the dance floor

I'd like to teach the world to dance in perfect harmony

Photo @Blanche

Walk into a milonga and you know you share a passion with everyone there. Dance a tanda and share a piece of yourself.

The world might be a better place if we all danced tango.

Recently I was teaching a private lesson to a beginner leader and after some explanation or other about the lead-follow exchange he exclaimed: "This is like anti-selfishness therapy!"

I laughed out loud, because it was a rare and surprising thing for a beginner to say, but also because it was so insightful and true.

In the past I have written posts about the importance of being nice, kind and generous. Besides essentials like good posture, strong technique and a nice sense of rhythm, learning to put one's partner first is an essential part of becoming a skilled dancer.

A selfish person is concerned excessively with him or herself and disregards the well-being of others. Selfish dancers, then, would be those who are more interested in impressing their partners and everyone else in the room with their big moves and fancy footwork than making sure their partners can keep up with them, all regardless of how much space they are taking up on the dance floor. While to the untrained eye they might seem cool at first, they are not really much fun to dance with and tend to annoy the other dancers on the floor.

Look up antonyms for "selfish" in the dictionary and you find words like "considerate," "generous" and "sharing." Considerate, generous dancers are those who put their partners first, dancing to their level with a caring embrace and respectful attention to traffic and flow. They are the ones who are a true joy to dance with because they care about showing their partners a good time rather than just showing off. And it's pretty hard to dance tango without sharing. Walk into any milonga and you already know you share a passion with everyone else in the room. Dance a tanda with someone and you inevitably share a piece of yourself.

I regularly feel that the world could use an injection of kindness. In the news and on social media I see the despicable behaviour of boastful, boorish leaders who seem to be taking office everywhere I look while anti-immigrant, overall anti-"other" sentiment is once again on the rise.

Meanwhile on the tango dance floor I continue to encounter a wonderful mix of interesting people and fun dancers. As we embrace each other on the floor one after another we mostly don't know or care where the person comes from or what their religion or politics are. Tango connects us to something in each other that is deeper than our thoughts or beliefs, rendering them irrelevant at least for the time we hold our abrazo, sharing our passion and a part of ourselves.

I realize how lucky I am that every time a newscast or my Facebook feed makes me feel disillusioned with the state of humanity and the world today a tango lesson or milonga is my daily antidote.

Tango makes us analyze and discover ourselves while making us hyper-aware of the experience of the person right in front of us and how every one of our actions, no matter how small, has an effect on them. And if we want to be "good" tango dancers, we have to try to make that effect as positive and enjoyable as possible.

So indeed, a tango lesson can very much double as a therapeutic session in unselfishness, while every tango encounter on or off the dance floor is a reminder of the pleasure and importance of flesh-and-blood human contact.

That pesky comfort zone

There's no escaping the fact that to break free from that rut
you will need to put in some hours of hard work.

In recent months, the subject of the tango "comfort zone" has come up repeatedly in conversation. And not necessarily in a positive context.

A comfort zone is a normal and in many ways good thing in tango, but when "comfort zone" becomes "rut" it's not so great.

When you dance tango, for sure there will be times when you feel stuck in your comfort zone, or rut. No matter your level or years of experience, there will be moments when you feel elegant, confident and in command of your body and other moments when you feel clumsy, heavy and awkward. This is all normal, and some of it is probably in your own mind. Sometimes on days I feel are my worst, when my feet feel klutzy and I'm not able to read any of my partners the way I usually do, I will receive compliments – both from my partners and observers. And when I feel great – connected to everyone and fully in my body – no one says a word, but it doesn't matter because I feel good.

My point is that while day-to-day ups and downs are a normal part of the never-ending tango learning process, sometimes we get stuck in a long-lasting rut that dampens our overall enjoyment of the dance and might even lead us to question whether we should continue at all.

I remember recent conversations with three people – two men and a woman – who came to me concerned about being stuck or bored or unsure of how to further their progress.

One was struck when he travelled abroad to a city where the overall level of dancers is known to be very high and found himself surrounded by men whose posture, floor craft and especially musicality blew him away. He said he was consequently mostly ignored by any potential partners. He expressed his frustration and in fact he was the one to use the term "comfort zone," knowing full well that he has been in his for too long. This is a dancer who I, personally, enjoy dancing with, who has a nice embrace, an easy-to-follow lead and a good sense of rhythm. With a little work and some direction he could easily get out of his rut, but he has a busy life and his time is limited, so for now he chooses to dance in the milongas and leave study and advancement for later.

The second man came to me for private lessons because he was getting bored with tango after many years, and a friend gave him some very good advice. She told him he was in a rut and could use some private lessons. Both he and I agreed. I believe the couple of lessons he took with me helped him, at least in the short term, but I would have liked to see him continue for longer, paying more attention to detail and really going back to square one to review his basics, an idea to which many people have an aversion either because they fear it will be boring (it isn't!) or because their egos get in the way ("I already know how to do ochos.").

The third person was a woman who wrote to me for suggestions as to where to go from here. She has done the basic group levels and wants to improve her technique – a great sign. So I suggested three options for her, two of which she was enthusiastic about, but then she never showed up. Perhaps she got sick or her budget was too tight or life otherwise got in the way. It happens to us all, but I was disappointed she didn't follow through on her promising plan.

First off, it's important to note that a comfort zone is a fully normal and by no means entirely bad thing. As we continue to study tango and expand our repertoire, some movements and sequences work for us more than others.

For leaders, some figures are more useful for navigating the dance floor and some come easier to our bodies than others, so we use them more. Novice leaders attending their first milongas often express frustration at not being able to use all their moves on the floor. What they need to know is that no leader uses all his moves in a single song, tanda or even a whole evening. Leaders have a comfort zone of steps they can lead and execute without thinking too much, and that is the zone in which they can and should dance in a milonga setting, because the large part of their brain power is inevitably and necessarily being used to navigate the floor, gauge their partner's reactions and play with the music. Leaders' "comfort-zone" or milonga-dancing repertoire will always expand more slowly than their overall repertoire.

For followers the "comfort zone" manifests itself in our technique. Perhaps there are movements we continue to struggle with and execute awkwardly month after month, year after year, for example backward pivots or giros. Or perhaps we never learned to master our musicality, so musical leaders figure out quickly that they can't take us into out-of-the-ordinary rhythmic patterns and are forced to stick to a very basic beat. Our own comfort zone puts limits on what our leaders can do, so we, too, need to keep pushing ourselves to learn new and challenging things.

How do we all accept our own comfort zone as a normal and good part of tango while still working to improve on and expand it?

Where it comes from

I hate to break it to you, but I believe (and I am not alone) that getting stuck in a boring comfort zone or frustrating rut stems primarily from laziness. Fixing those nagging technical shortcomings takes hard work and repetition. We all know leaders who have been dancing for years or even decades who dance the exact same way they did when we first danced with them five, 10, 15 years ago. Same figures, same posture, same technique, same floorcraft. And there are the followers who still have the same rigid embrace or lack of balance that they did way back when, who still can't do a simple giro on beat or follow an ocho cortado on the first try.

The consensus among many teachers in my circle is that many leaders are permanently stuck in that intermediate-level comfort zone simply because they can afford to be. There are not that many truly high-level leaders, and, as usual, women outnumber men at almost every event, so many women will settle for a less-than-stellar leader if it means getting a few tandas in.

As anyone who knows me knows, I am all for dancing with beginners, giving newcomers a chance and finding the positive in every dancer. But even I lose patience with leaders who think they are much better than they are just because they have a decade or more under their belts, who never take classes, who look at the floor while dancing, take too much space, weave from line to line and use the same party tricks milonga after milonga to every style of music.

Year after year I see follower's technique classes overflowing and women lining up for private lessons while men's technique classes are abandoned due to lack of attendance and only a handful of leaders sign up for long-term private instruction. Why bother working hard when you don't have to? When half the women in the milonga will be happy to dance with you even if you haven't changed a thing in the last five years?

What it leads to

Boredom. Yes, it's normal, and it's fully OK to rest in your comfort zone for a while. For novices, just the fact that you have a comfort zone is an accomplishment, so taking some time to relish it is perfectly fine. Also, understand that everyone has a comfort zone; it's just that some are larger than others and some evolve more than others. This is the key. Evolution. Without it, you and your partners will, eventually, get bored.

Frustration. Frustrated with all those partners who don't lead/follow you properly? With the dancers around you on the floor who always seem to be in your way? With the lack of miradas or cabeceos you receive in a night? These are all signs you may have been languishing in your comfort zone too long and it's time to up your game.

How to break free

Below are my suggestions for breaking free of that comfort zone, with a word of warning: Getting out of a rut will take some work, along with a good dose of self-examination, self-awareness and humility. But you already know that tango is a humbling dance, so no problem, right?

Make time. If you really can't free up more than one night a week, you might not solve your comfort-zone problem any time soon. You need to put in some class time – with a teacher who will give you a frank dose of reality – and some practice time (see below). You can practice on your own, at home with a regular partner or at an organized práctica at a local studio. And, of course, at milongas, where you will put everything you have worked so hard at into real-world practice.

Put your ego aside. Start by remembering that in any sport, physical pursuit or performance art the professionals are the ones who practice the most and they all have teachers and coaches. So saying you don't need a coach or teacher any more or that you don't need to work on your basics is arrogant and, frankly, ridiculous. We all need outside eyes to make us aware of our bad habits and weak points. Try not to get defensive when a teacher tells you you are (yes, still) holding your head too far forward or your embrace is too tense. The first step toward improvement is awareness, and if your ego blocks that awareness you will go nowhere.

Open your mind to new approaches. Good, experienced teachers try different approaches because they want to keep you on your toes, so to speak, and stimulate your brains, bodies and imaginations. So give them the benefit of the doubt and try a new way. It may expand your horizons and even give you one of those elusive "aha" moments. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to suggest a learning or practice technique only to be met with instant resistance. "I don't know how to do that." (Um, that's why I'm trying to teach it to you.) Or "I can't learn by watching/listening/just following." (I fully respect different learning styles, but if your way isn't working, why not give mine a try?) Or "Don't bother me with musicality; let me just work on my steps." (Trust me, the music will help you if you just give it a chance.) Trying something completely new might just be the surprise boost you need. For example:

• Private lessons. If you've never taken private lessons because you're afraid of boring technical work (see below) or you simply don't see what you would get out of them, maybe it's time to try one – or, ideally, several. Sure, they're more expensive than group lessons, but you'll get way more bang for your buck and probably get your eyes opened to what you really need to work on.

• Choreography. Many people shy away from choreography for a variety of reasons, among them the belief that because tango is an improvised dance choreography would be useless. But in fact, learning and perfecting choreography with its sharp transitions, precise musicality and focus on aesthetic appeal could be the one thing that finally breaks you out of that comfort zone and improves your technique. I've seen it happen time and again.

• Solo practice. I and most of the teachers I know strongly suggest spending some time practicing your technique and footwork on your own. Get a teacher to suggest some drills for you to repeat; practice the footwork from the sequence you just learned in class until you can do it ten times in a row and on beat every time; spend 15 minutes walking backward or doing ochos or giros with a wall or around a chair; sit, stand and walk with postural awareness in your daily activities; put on some tango music and play the melody with your feet. There are a lot of little ways to fit tango practice into your daily routine, and you and your partners will notice the difference.

Get over your fear of boredom. There is a lot of joy and satisfaction to be found in hard work, so learning or re-learning how to stand/walk/pivot properly is unlikely to be boring unless you come in with the preconceived idea that it will be. No one's technique is perfect and there is always room for improvement. The cliché about tango (and life) being about the journey, not the destination exists for good reason. Life and tango would both be boring if we actually arrived one day and had nowhere left to go. And, really, there is just no point in learning four new sacada sequences if you can't properly execute a basic giro.

Go to a teacher you trust, and trust your teacher. If you think your teachers have something to teach you, let them do it. Even if you don't always get what the end result of a given exercise is going to be, bear with them and see where it leads. If your teacher seems interested in your progress and has significantly more experience and better technique that you do, you will probably learn something – maybe even a lot. If you really don't trust your teacher and don't think he or she has much to offer you, go somewhere else.

What to work on

Posture. This is probably the hardest thing to work on, because changing your postural attitude means changing years of habits and putting to work muscles you didn't even know you had. But it is so worth it. Proper posture and alignment  will give you better balance, more ease of movement, especially in close embrace, and will probably improve your day-to-day life (and appearance) as well as your tango.

Musicality. This is my personal favourite quality in a dancer and I know for a fact I am not alone. If you can do the same move three different ways in the music it's as good as (maybe better than) knowing three different figures. So work on your musicality. Leader or follower, it will make you impressive and, more importantly, a pleasure to dance with.

Connection. This is the obvious one, I guess. But there are plenty of dancers out there who are much more focused on their feet or their next move than on their partners' reactions. Work on your receptivity, your lead/follow skills, your ability to be in the now and wait for what's coming next and your partners will notice.

Simple, useful vocabulary. Yes, it's fun to do cool wraps or colgadas once in a while, when they are smoothly executed. And in the end, everyone should know how to do all types of moves, from ochos and giros to sacadas, volcadas and boleos. But don't neglect the simple stuff: the little direction changes that will allow you to avoid accidents while leading something nice; the compact versions of all your beginner moves, which will allow you to dance on the most crowded dance floors; the musical variations that will keep you interesting even when there's no space to do anything fancy.

To summarize, the fact that you even have a comfort zone is a positive sign in the early stages of your tango learning, but get stuck in it too long and it becomes a rut, which will ultimately bore your partners and you. When that happens, it's probably time to swallow your pride, go back, take some lessons and break free.